Thanksgiving 2010.

Celebrated my first Thanksgiving on Thursday and it’s been absolutely incredible. And here’s why.

1. Lunch was spent with G. at Clarke Quay, overlooking the river, and just enjoying a really leisurely afternoon together (I almost forgot it was a work day!).
2. Dinner was with a bunch of American friends at Botak Jones. We had turkey, chicken, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pies, whiskey and a whole lot of laughter. Sharing in the spirit and tradition of Thanksgiving does pretty amazing therapy to me. 
3. The most unexpected situation happened on Thanksgiving night (a situation I have been wanting to happen for the longest time, but it never did). And on Thanksgiving night, it happened. Unbelievable.
4. My late night conversation with R. made me realised something. About myself, about human emotions and the human heart. About connection and the ties that held one to another. About God and how He really never does leave me unnoticed. I am not forgotten.

B. asked at Thanksgiving dinner, “So what are we thankful for this year?”

My answer. Life. Grace. Love. Especially Grace.

I always believe that everything happens for a reason. Certain events took place (and on Thanksgiving too, of all days!) and my heart knows that God has orchestrated everything to happen in this day alone.

This is not a coincidence. This is a divine appointment.

And I have only two things to tell you, which I am holding them in until I see you. In person.

Post-Thanksgiving morning, I heard this song “Stars” by The Cranberries. Certain lyrics pop out at me like snippets of revelation.

Post-Thanksgiving afternoon, I stumbled upon this line written at the back of my director’s jacket, “No More Dramas”.

Coincidence? I really don’t think so.

Lina is starting out again. From ground zero. Except this time round, I want to kiss you and let you know that everything really is going to be okay. Really really.

Trust me with your heart and I will protect it with my life. I promise.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Everything's Gonna Be Alright.

This week has been a roller-coaster. Monday was one of the worst days I have ever had to deal with - emotionally, mentally, physically. Felt raging storms around me and I am like a ship caught in a middle of a terrible storm, not knowing where I am heading and allowing the storm to toss me around like a toy.

This week has made me into someone I am not. Someone I thought I can be. Only to realise I can't.

And then, today came. And I learnt this.

I am who I am. I ask questions that may possibly get me into trouble. Friends tell me not to say this, not to do that, because it will only put me in a negative light. It will only place me in an unfavourable position, especially during this time. And yes, so I tried. I tried to shut up, I tried to not ask, I tried to ignore the nagging thoughts I have inside.

And I can't. I can't do this. Simply because what we have is way too honest for me to be dishonest.

And for the life of me, I will never let that happen. Not again.

Lina will stay true to her heart and to who she is, deep down inside, perfect in all her imperfections. Taking one step at a time, in faith and in trust.

So yes. Today is a good finish to my week. I am at peace.

Interestingly enough, I received the below two songs at the start & end of my week.

Monday:  Bob Marley - No Woman No Cry
Friday:    Bob Marley - Three Little Birds

Both echoed the same message. Everything is going to be alright.
Amen & amen.

4 September 2010

One birthday I will remember for a really long time. 

Marked in the recesses of my heart.

Thank you for making this such an unforgettable day. 

Am incredibly grateful and loved.

Heart my cousins for spending a great evening with me! 

And the beautiful flowers.

And especially to you. 

I love you.

xoxo

God’s Ways are REALLY not my ways.

Every single time, when I thought I’ve lost you forever, and all hope of getting back in touch is gone, there you would appear right before me. Again and again.

At a time when I thought it’s not possible anymore.
At a time when I have threw in the towel.
At a time when I have decided to give you up.

Every. Single. Time.

I wonder. Perhaps God wants to teach me something here.

To trust Him and not man. To put my hope in Him and not in the relationships surrounding me.

My Father has quite a reputation of surprising His children with the little and most unexpected situations.

Drives me insane most of the time. Insanely in love with Him.

Mom Loves Me.

Stumbled upon Mom working on this blanket this afternoon and realised that this blanket is meant for me when it's completed.

I can't imagine the amount of time and effort put in by Mom, piecing every single cloth together and arranging the pieces of cloth to form the chinese character below. Wow!

My heart is immensely grateful and touched at how God uses parents to show His Love to His Children.

Thank You Yahweh. I am forever grateful.

And I love you Mom.

Received a pleasant surprise two days before 2008 ends, and am completely ecstatic and overjoyed, especially since I have kinda lost hope that I'll be able to find you again...

I am so friggin' glad we are back in touch, and it seems that nothing much has changed between us since you 'disappeared' months back.

Thanks dear, for not vanishing from my world...

My Peace in Turbulent Times.

Lina is learning the basics again...

Sometimes, somewhere along one's faith journey, one tends to fall into seemingly discouraging or even depressing moments...and before you even realise it, you're way too far off from where you initially started.

And that was what accompanied me for a long while now...felt aimless and lost, admist all the festive joy and celebrations.

There's this strong surge of emotions within me that just literally wanna scream out loud. Ask me what is wrong and I have no answer myself.

Only my Maker knows.

Attended service on Sunday and was ministered by His Spirit working within and around me.

A couple of statements that have been stuck with me since Sunday.

Emmanuel, God With Us.

Prince of Peace.

My Father knows my restless state of heart and mind, even when I am uncertain exactly why. And yes, He is reminding me once again that He is Emmanuel. He is my Prince of Peace.

My heart is at rest again.
Under the shelter of the Most High God is where I find my refuge and rest.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal."

- Isaiah 26:3, 4 -

YouthCamp 2008 - Back 2 Basics

Survived on less than 5 hours of sleep the past week and slept only at 4am this morning, to wake up at 7am for work. Amazingly, I am still functioning properly despite a 8.30am work start. If this ain’t a miracle by itself, I dunno what it is anymore.

And reason for my late nights? YOUTH CAMP!!!

We had youth camp this week, and due to the severe shortage of manpower at work, I didn’t think it wise to apply for 4 days of leave. My greedy and very ambitious plan is then to go all out on a limp and go for camp every evening after work, and test to see if my old physical body is able to take the strain traveling from Thomson to Changi and the expected late nights. More so, to experiment if I am even able to wake up for work the next morning. The last time I did something as crazy as this – I ended up sleeping in without even reporting my absence from office. By the time I got up, it was way past noon and I was mortified! Had to cook up some miserable excuse so my boss doesn’t get on my back. Lina can really sleep like a log when she’s exhausted – nothing can wake her up. Nothing. Ask Mom and she’ll totally agree to that.

So this time round, despite my own misgivings, I figured that God will somehow make this work, knowing that I really wanna be at the youth camp and yet not wanting to shirk from my responsibility at work. And He did! Woohoo! Hallelujah!

Camp time was awesome! Had the opportunity to know and bond with the youth, many of whom I really do not quite know very well. Been blessed in many more ways than one, getting to know this bunch of amazing peeps, learning the culture of this youth group that God has placed me in, and most importantly, dwelling in His Presence, momentarily taking refuge away from the worries of life and just seek Him, allowing my heart to be inspired by Him and the lives He has placed around me. My fleshly self is seriously tired, yet my spirit man is very much refreshed and energized!

So to the camp committee and the leaders who made this possible, bless your hearts for taking that step of faith in organizing this despite your exams and stress. Your efforts are not wasted.

Lina is thanking God for amazing, young, talented lives…

A Journey from Death to Life.

Watched “The Leap Years” with some of the youth after Good Friday service the week before. Am impressed with Wong Li Lin’s performance as Li-Ann. Never knew she is that good an actress. A particular scene that invokes empathy from me is the part when after she spent a night with Jeremy, she found out that she’s in love with a married man, and with a child too! Gosh, I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions Li-Ann must be going through, from extreme joy and happiness to the utter shock of knowing she has unknowingly became a third party. That must have cut her. Deeply. To know that the man whom she loved and has chosen to give all of herself has turned out not to be who she has expected to be at all. In one night, her world came crashing down.

What would you do, if one day, you were to realise that the one thing you built your life upon, is not what you perceived it to be at all? What would you do? Would you lose yourself to the depths of depression or would you, like Li-Ann, pick up the pieces and attempt to move on with life?

Thinking back, I remembered days of old where I’ve allowed myself to wallow in depression due to certain big changes in my life. And for a period of time, I really thought I was going to die of pain and heartache. There were times when suicide was even on my mind. Death seemed so much easier to bear than the heartache I was going through. I was suffering on the inside, yet on the surface, I had to put on a happy face to quell the concerns of my family and friends. I didn’t want anyone to probe, didn’t want anyone to ask or offer any hand of consolation. I shut myself up. Ironically, I didn’t think anyone cared. Or rather, I didn’t think that anyone cared enough.

And God was silent all this while. Perhaps it’s my stubborn nature that refuses to listen to Him. I did not want to attend church, did not wish for any kind of fellowship or human interaction. I did not even want to pray, questioning if God is even real. My basis for truth and the meaning of life came to a standstill.

In short, I was completely messed-up.

In a particular scene, when Li-Ann sat at the stairway leading to her house after the realisation of her as the third party in Jeremy’s marriage, her mum came out of the house and offered Li-Ann a shoulder to cry on. No questions asked, no word of concern, she just sat beside Li-Ann and let her cry her heart out.

In my refusal to acknowledge my depressed state, I gave no one a chance to offer me that shoulder. In my prideful state, I let no one see the fragile condition of my heart and mind. I shut everyone out of my life. Literally. Everyone except One.

He knows me well. He knows exactly what I need at that moment. No, He did not come with loud thunders. Nor did He come with rushing waves that caused some sort of miracle in my life. There was no drama that turned my perceived worthless life around. No big encounter, no major saga experience that instanteously pulled me up from the well of darkness and pain.

Instead, it’s in the little things that He used to slowly, but surely, pulled me up to my feet. A stranger I met on the street who gave me a smile, a customer service staff who said “Have a nice day!”, a sudden alertness to the sound of birds chirping when I was on my way home, a call from a friend whom I have not heard for years - little encouragements like that to remind me that He is still there. He is still here for me.

I could not pinpoint exactly when I got out of my depression. But by and by, my heart felt less painful. My obsession with death and ways to commit suicide grew less. My bitterness with life and God took on a different turn. I am willing to start talking to Him again, in bits and pieces, from seconds to minutes to hours.

I guess it is not so much in the words that you speak, or the kind of consolation that you gave that brings comfort to those who are in pain. Rather, it is your presence that grants others solace. The presence of Li-Ann’s mum gave Li-Ann comfort and dependency. Li-Ann can allow herself to lean completely on her mum who gave of her presence. And in that presence alone, Li-Ann found strength.

In the same way, when I was completely heartbroken, I found dependency on the Presence of God, through the little things that He showed me, through the little signs of His Presence. In short, He is telling me – “Lina, I am here. Lina, I am still here.”

And that alone, brought me solace and comfort. More importantly, it gave me the strength and will to live again. It gave me renewed purpose.

Hence, I am thankful for that "valley of death". For without that hellish time of my life, I wouldn't have grown. I wouldn't have learnt to appreciate the "mountain peaks" of life and the amazing reality and grace of God.

He has kept me alive. In the past, in the present and surely, He will keep me alive in the future when I face Him and hear the long-awaited words...

"Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Lina is completely blessed, regardless of what lies ahead.

Good Friday Thanksgiving

Sleeping loads this weekend. Other than Good Friday, which I miraculously woke up early, much of my weekend was spent sleeping away. It's been a long time since I last felt so tired.

Attended Good Friday service at THOP. Felt really restful during the worship session, it almost feels like I'm home. Sitting at the pews, singing songs that spoke of His Love and His Grace, I sensed His Spirit all around me, assuring me, comforting me and loving me. Strong yet gentle, for a moment, I almost forgot where I was. I forgot my troubles, my worries, my achievements, my victories, all the nitty-gritty stuff that makes me Me. It was that amazing.

"Be still and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10

Taking a moment to remember His Sacrifice, and more importantly, His Resurrection Power that makes my life worth living. Thinking back, if it wasn't for Christ, I figured Lina will not be walking on the face of the earth today.

Amazing Love, how can it be?
That You, my King, would die for me.
Amazing Love, I know it's true.
It's my joy to honour You.
In all I do, I honour You.

Thank You Lord, for Your Sacrifice. Teach me and remind me to be forever grateful for what You've done. May I never belittle the power of the Cross.

There are many who have moved me, but you, my dearest you – you have shaken me.

Thanks for entering into my world. You are dearly missed and lovingly thought of.

Proverbs 16:9

The below verse has been popping out at me recently.

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps.”
– Proverbs 16:9

Reflections:
Even as I face the new year with apprehension, excitement and a whole load of plans, I am reminded time and time again of the above word. With the endless possibilities that the new year can possibly bring, I am assured and at peace with the knowledge that no matter what I am planning or how I execute those plans, my darling Heavenly Father above is the One who will direct my steps.

Lina is thankful.

Butterflies in My Stomach

Met a really dear friend last night for dinner and catch-up. Haven't seen him for more than 5 years and to meet up after so long, it just brings so much joy and excitement to me.

We shared on the many things that we've gone through over the past years, the valleys and mountain peaks of our lives, the amazing miracles and stories that we have witnessed, be it from ourselves or others. It was a deep heart-to-heart sharing from one soul to another. An intertwine of two lives.

What I appreciate so much about this very dear friend is that he is willing to listen. In fact, he wants to know my story. I was really stunned for a moment when he said, "Ok Lina, let's not talk about me any more. Let's talk about you. I want to hear you."

A simple statement yet to me, it means so very much.

Perhaps in my life journey, I have more often than not, acted more as the role of the listener rather than the speaker. Not that I am complaining about having to listen to other people's stories. In fact, I enjoy listening to others share their lives with me. I value the trust that they placed in me to share their heart's struggles and thoughts. To me, that's a honour that I do not take lightly.

Nonetheless, like everyone else, I too have my own stories of defeat and victories. Perhaps it's in the way I carry myself or the fact that I always ask a million questions about others' lives, not many people in my world had actually asked me about my stories. Reckon that's human nature - we are all beings with a voice, wanting to be heard. And in most cases, I have chosen to be the ear rather than the tongue.

And so, to have someone asked me point-blank about my stories - that moved me. Deeply. This dude wants to know me. He wants to listen to me. That is perhaps one of the most precious gifts that anyone can possibly give. A listening ear. For once, the role is reverse. I am now placed on the speaking platform.

So I shared. The milestones in my life were told to another person, the pains and disappointments I struggled with, the mountain peaks and victories I've rejoiced. All these were told to another human being. How precious was that indeed! As I shared, memories start to flood through my mind as I re-live the moments of the past, remembering how far I have come all through my 26 years. And most importantly, how very faithful God has been through all these years.

And it dawned on me. Finally.

I came home, inspired and refreshed in my spirit which previously, was aching away. And for once in a very long while, I cried to my heart's content. My fences are broken down as I stood before Christ, vulnerable and frail, knowing that nothing but the blood of Jesus can carry me into the presence of God.

My Creator. My Saviour. My Lover.

Am thrust into His Presence again. And yes, finally, Lina is no longer hiding or running away.

So to you, my dearest dearest friend, who exchanged his heart with mine, thank you from the bottom deep of my heart. Thank you for being real and for being there. You have no idea what our Lord has done to me through you. I love you for loving me.

10 Jan 2008 - the day I felt butterflies in my stomach again.

Mother's Day Celebration - In Advance

Ah-Ma & Ah-Gu are away in China since Labour Day, visiting our long-distance relatives and will only be back on 11 May. Took this opportunity to celebrate Mother's Day this arvo with Mum - a well in advance celebration. Scrumptious meal we had @ Beng Thin Hoon Kee Restaurant (don't ask me what it is in Chinese. It's what's written on the namecard I got from the restaurant.). My sister and her hubby, not to forget my 6-month-old baby niece Jo, my brother and his wife, Mum, Ah-Tun & myself had a real satisfying lunch. Best part? Because we were there pretty early, the restaurant was actually quite quiet - perfect in my opinion. Have I ever mentioned that I have a phobia for crowds?

Next weekend is gonna be another round of celebration with my Ah-Ma, Ah-Gu & Mum again. That will, of course, have to depend if Ah-Gu has got other plans for Sunday brunch. Took up the responsibility of getting the cake for next weekend. Reckon I'll prolly drop by Taka & get it. Gotta make sure if the celebration is confirmed by next Saturday evening when they are back.

Talking about my folks, there's this huge sense of family bond we shared. I suppose that has always been part of our upbringing, especially when I was sorta brought up by Mum's side of the family since my parents were never around when we were kids. To me, my folks are exceptionally precious. Call me emotional, but for them, I will gladly give my life up. That's how important they are to me.

Someone once commented that I seemed to be well taken care of & well protected. And reflecting on that statement now, I fully agree with him. I am immensely thankful for the values, morals & foundation that my folks have taught me since I was a kiddo. Believed with my whole heart that if it's not for my family, Lina would not have turned out the way she is now.

Realised recently among many around me that families such as mine are quite rare these days - causing me to cherish my family ties even more. Getting a little nostalgic and emotional lately, and been reflecting alot on my life and the things that truly matter.

One thing for darn sure - I love my family.

A very happy new granny (Mum) & her 1st grand-child, my baby niece Jo.

Thankful for 2006. Embrace 2007.

New Year Resolutions Coming Up Soon....

Book of Ecclesiastes - Part 1

Attended a seminar last night by Pastor Benny Ho - a study on the Book of Ecclesiastes (Part 1).

Very insightful indeed. Supposed to attend the follow-up session tonight, but last minute work trapped me in the office and I was not able to make it for tonight's session. Darn!

Mental Note:
Have to order in the tape for tonight's session.

Now my study workbook is only half completed. Feels like I've had a taste of the ice-cream, but not savouring the entire ice-cream.

I feel incomplete.

In the words of King Solomon - "Everything is Meaningless"

Only with Christ Jesus can "Everything Becomes Meaningful"!

Amen & Amen!

Reunion of the MCYC Gang

Met up with my ex-colleague, Su Ting, & a few of my ex-students last night for dinner and catch up - Jade, Hong Wee & Hong Chun. Haven't seen these darlings for more than a year already, and was really looking forward to it.

It's amazing how despite the length of time that we have not seen one another, the friendship ties are still there - strong & natural. Didn't feel any sense of awkwardness or unfamilarity. Really miss Hong Wee & Hong Chun heaps - this pair of brothers whom I really dote and love so much back in those days when I was still in social work. And I STILL do love them so.

Bummed @ PastaMania for dinner and got a real SURPRISE from Su Ting when she suddenly popped out from nowhere with a slice of blueberry cake and a candle stuck in the middle, singing "Happy Bday" song to me! Talk about a Totally Unpredictable Surprise!

Spent time @ the Arcade after dinner for some Daytona battle before parking our bums at the Kopitiam for desserts. Sat down and chit-chat till about 11pm before going home. If time wasn't a factor, I would have really love to hang out more with this bunch of sweethearts who are really so dear and close to my heart.

Looking @ my ex-students, there's this great sense of pride I have, seeing how they have grown to be the sensible and mature teenagers that they are today. Even Hong Chun, the youngest one, who is in Pri 5 now, is becoming quite a little man too. No longer the little brat whom I always have to pamper and coax. *grin* Will always remember my times with these kids. Gosh, even now, as I think about them, it makes me realise how much I miss them and love them.

No idea why, but there's just this close connection that we share. Even with Su Ting, my ex-colleague, whom I have not met up for a long while. With them, there's no need to pretend. I can be myself 100% - transparent with my struggles in life and the challenges I face even now.

To me, these are not my ex-students. These are my friends, people whom I really love as family.

So to You - Jade, David, Chunox & Ting

"I LOVE YOU!!!"

Looking forward to the next outing in October. Muahahaha....Start planning!

Quarter of A Century

Turning quarter of a century year old today.
Never thought I can ever be THAT old.

Thanking Jesus for the past 25 years and counting.

My Lord is Faithful - Today, Tomorrow & Evermore

1st Day @ Work

My first day @ work. One word to describe it - Pleasant.

Found my new supervisor to be a really friendly lady who makes the extra effort to teach and coach us. Truly appreciate her taking time to explain to me and this other new colleague on the protocols and terminology of the work we will be doing. And she does it so whole-heartedly too. Am most grateful.

Learnt that another fellow colleague is actually my ex-coursemate in RMIT University, except that he's one year my junior. Small world indeed!

Discovered that two of my colleagues, including the other new colleague, are Christians too! We even had some time chatting about our churches over lunch today. Most wonderful!

This is definitely a GREAT start to my new job. Hope things will stay this way, if not, be better!!! Haha....

I am one greedy gurl...Praise God for this job indeed!

Increasingly convicted that this job is a God-sent miracle. A miracle that I do not deserve. And precisely because of this reason, I am all the more thankful and grateful...

"Thank you Jesus."

Heart-felt Talk

Spent a meaningful evening last night chatting online with a friend whom I have not talked to in a really long while. Been ages since I last had such a heart-to-heart talk with anyone. Appreciate that conversation very much indeed.

We digged out the unpleasant situations we had in the past, bringing things into the open. I suppose that's what make this friendship stronger. Like the saying "What does not break you, make you", in the same way, the messy situations we face in our friendship - they did not break our friendship. They only serve to make our friendship stronger.

Have no doubt about it, the messy stuff we had in the past - they were complicated, most unpleasant and have been a major impact in my own beliefs and faith in God, even until today. Those were situations I'd rather not have, history that I'd rather not remember, a past I have been avoiding for years - a mega turning point of my life. It's that serious a matter, to me at least.

To bring up that particular part of my life which I have always deemed to be a failure, especially to have to discuss it with the very person who is the center of all that complications, and yet be able to talk about it with the right heart attitude - that's definitely God at work. Knowing me, there's no way I could have talked about that part of my past without grimacing in pain and misery.

The fact that both of us were willing to talk about it - actually, it's that person who initiated it - shows how much we wanna make things right again. I appreciate that person having that courage, which I lack for so many years, to bring up that black mark in our friendship, and not pretend that nothing has happened. To me, it takes a true friend to do that.

What moved me even more is this - that friend never did feel good about all that has happened despite it being so long ago and apologised to me last night. It's an apology that I have been trying to avoid acknowledging, much less accepting. Up till now, I am still grappling with the issue of whether an apology is even needed. Yet at the same time, I appreciate that person caring enough to apologise. "Sorry" has never sound so real before.

What did not break our friendship only serve to make our friendship stronger - I believe that with my whole heart.

So to you my friend, who might be reading this which I doubt it, THANK YOU from the deepest part of my heart.

Thank you so much...