A Journey from Death to Life.

Watched “The Leap Years” with some of the youth after Good Friday service the week before. Am impressed with Wong Li Lin’s performance as Li-Ann. Never knew she is that good an actress. A particular scene that invokes empathy from me is the part when after she spent a night with Jeremy, she found out that she’s in love with a married man, and with a child too! Gosh, I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions Li-Ann must be going through, from extreme joy and happiness to the utter shock of knowing she has unknowingly became a third party. That must have cut her. Deeply. To know that the man whom she loved and has chosen to give all of herself has turned out not to be who she has expected to be at all. In one night, her world came crashing down.

What would you do, if one day, you were to realise that the one thing you built your life upon, is not what you perceived it to be at all? What would you do? Would you lose yourself to the depths of depression or would you, like Li-Ann, pick up the pieces and attempt to move on with life?

Thinking back, I remembered days of old where I’ve allowed myself to wallow in depression due to certain big changes in my life. And for a period of time, I really thought I was going to die of pain and heartache. There were times when suicide was even on my mind. Death seemed so much easier to bear than the heartache I was going through. I was suffering on the inside, yet on the surface, I had to put on a happy face to quell the concerns of my family and friends. I didn’t want anyone to probe, didn’t want anyone to ask or offer any hand of consolation. I shut myself up. Ironically, I didn’t think anyone cared. Or rather, I didn’t think that anyone cared enough.

And God was silent all this while. Perhaps it’s my stubborn nature that refuses to listen to Him. I did not want to attend church, did not wish for any kind of fellowship or human interaction. I did not even want to pray, questioning if God is even real. My basis for truth and the meaning of life came to a standstill.

In short, I was completely messed-up.

In a particular scene, when Li-Ann sat at the stairway leading to her house after the realisation of her as the third party in Jeremy’s marriage, her mum came out of the house and offered Li-Ann a shoulder to cry on. No questions asked, no word of concern, she just sat beside Li-Ann and let her cry her heart out.

In my refusal to acknowledge my depressed state, I gave no one a chance to offer me that shoulder. In my prideful state, I let no one see the fragile condition of my heart and mind. I shut everyone out of my life. Literally. Everyone except One.

He knows me well. He knows exactly what I need at that moment. No, He did not come with loud thunders. Nor did He come with rushing waves that caused some sort of miracle in my life. There was no drama that turned my perceived worthless life around. No big encounter, no major saga experience that instanteously pulled me up from the well of darkness and pain.

Instead, it’s in the little things that He used to slowly, but surely, pulled me up to my feet. A stranger I met on the street who gave me a smile, a customer service staff who said “Have a nice day!”, a sudden alertness to the sound of birds chirping when I was on my way home, a call from a friend whom I have not heard for years - little encouragements like that to remind me that He is still there. He is still here for me.

I could not pinpoint exactly when I got out of my depression. But by and by, my heart felt less painful. My obsession with death and ways to commit suicide grew less. My bitterness with life and God took on a different turn. I am willing to start talking to Him again, in bits and pieces, from seconds to minutes to hours.

I guess it is not so much in the words that you speak, or the kind of consolation that you gave that brings comfort to those who are in pain. Rather, it is your presence that grants others solace. The presence of Li-Ann’s mum gave Li-Ann comfort and dependency. Li-Ann can allow herself to lean completely on her mum who gave of her presence. And in that presence alone, Li-Ann found strength.

In the same way, when I was completely heartbroken, I found dependency on the Presence of God, through the little things that He showed me, through the little signs of His Presence. In short, He is telling me – “Lina, I am here. Lina, I am still here.”

And that alone, brought me solace and comfort. More importantly, it gave me the strength and will to live again. It gave me renewed purpose.

Hence, I am thankful for that "valley of death". For without that hellish time of my life, I wouldn't have grown. I wouldn't have learnt to appreciate the "mountain peaks" of life and the amazing reality and grace of God.

He has kept me alive. In the past, in the present and surely, He will keep me alive in the future when I face Him and hear the long-awaited words...

"Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Lina is completely blessed, regardless of what lies ahead.